Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Unclothed and Honest
*Unclothed_and_Honest_by_ERIN_boo
As the title says, UNCLOTHED AND HONEST, that's what I am going to be with James. Honest and pouring my heart out to him. I have to tell him. Now that I've got that off my chest, I don't feel better at all. As much as I know he'll never forgive me, I hope he does because I don't think I'll ever forget him.
EVER.
Hi...it's been almost a month now. First of all, I'm really sorry. I know that you're still mad about my outburst at you and that you'll probably never forgive me and also because you said that you remember grudges. I did not send this on your birthday because I din't want to ruin it for you and because it was your birthday and that made me think more about you. And here is where I'll pour my guts out to you.
The thing is, that message that night was something that my friend typed out and asked me to send to you. I just dint want to admit that you do know me that well to even tell when something is from me or not. Okay, why will my friend type that? It's because I tell her about us and my feelings and my thoughts about you and well sometimes I know that because of your condition, it's hard for you to tell when I have sort of "switched off" in a conversation.
Personally, the only things about ET that I believe are that they exist. Somewhere out there so... when you go on about them for like an hour I'm completely spaced out and i have no idea what i should reply at times but i just think of something or else I'll admit that I have no idea what you're talking about. It's because we're talking so little, I sorta wanted us to talk about stuff that we both like. Like movies and music and random mundane things we do everyday, I still don't know what sort of movies and music that you like. That time, I asked for your voice clip for some friend of mine? It was just an excuse to hear your voice because (the whole world knows that) I like you and a girl who lives on the other end of the world wants to hear the voice of the guy she likes. Is there anything wrong with that? I know that you don't have means of recording but you could have used your aunt's camera or something to record and video to send me? I was going to use Caleb's international phone call card to call you then I remembered, I don't have your number. You can call me desperate or anything but I really wanted to hear your voice.
About my thoughts of your existence, you're right again. It was started by my friends and I started adding on to it, sometimes I think you're a person with a made up name and using his cousin's photos or else it's a group of teenage boys playing a prank. It's hard to believe that someone will like me needless say, the person that I like! I want so badly to reaffirm that you are real and that there is someone out there who really likes me. Then again, when I have convinced myself that you're real I'll have doubts that you're only liking me because you think you like me. Or because I like you and you don't want to hurt my feelings so you make yourself like me. I am a person with friends backstabbing me, and lying to me and ignoring me for no reason. I'm very, very insecure about myself and my capabilities to make true friends. Now that I have true friends, I have lesser of an attitude problem. I use to flare up for the tiniest things and my friends and I, we fight for no reason at all and can even fight and make up everyday. Soon I just started to give in because I don't want to lose any.
Not many have seen me lose it, it's only when I'm hurt or have loads bottled up inside will I because some sort of erupted volcano. It's either nice Beverly or raging Beverly on drugs, there's seldom an in between. Sometimes, I smile at my friends even when I'm screaming inside for the same reason(not to piss them). Until now, only my best friend Cherlyn has seen my truest, most ugly self.
For you, it's more bottled up and the reason why I told you that my blog is off-limits is also because I din't want you to hear my true thoughts and see that ugly person that I am. It's my fear of people running away from me, that drives more people away. The one main reason that I was so pissed that day was not that you told your mother about me but the fact that you forwarded the message for your mother, to me. The fact that you telling me she placed a curse on me. It really tore me apart that night because it was exactly what it seemed to me: you doing that, is approving all that she is saying about me. You were calling me crazy and you were cursing me, imagine me telling you all of that. Will you like it? Then again you might not like me as much as I like you so, the hurt might be lesser. I like you to the point where I can be ranting in the day, "Oh James din't come online again, 'cause he's got school" and when you do come online and go, "I'm sorry I late" or something... My heart immediately goes into "aw" mode and I'll think you're so cute telling me you're late and whatnots.
When I am pissed with someone, I can go all out and people have like you told me that I've changed but that is only when I'm really mad at somebody. I know that it must have hurt when I said that my time was wasted on you and I said it out of anger and there wasn't a filter between my brain and the computer keys. I regretted after a few days because I was thinking about it and I know that if you had said that to me, I'll rather your mother cursed me or you just shoot me. So I'm sorry that I said that even if it was out of anger because nobody is a waste of anybody's time.
I am going to be an ass and demand a response from you no matter how much you hate me or don't want to reply, and if you're not going to forgive me, you need to provide me with 10 fool-proof methods to forget you. Because:
1. I can go to town and shout your name at the top of my voice and 20 people will turn my direction and say, "YES?" And this doesn't include my cousin, my friend's boyfriend, my classmates, and my outside-of-school friends.
2. The stars come out at night and night happens EVERY night.
3. I see numbers 4 and 8 everywhere.
4. My friend just said her friend wanted to start everything afresh and claims he's from SPACE.
5. I get sad/happy/excited when I see your picture on Facebook.
6. I'm angry at you for doing all that you do to make me hate and like you.
7. I'm super sad that you did not even send me random hate mail to show that at least I'm still on your mind.
9. Because I miss your endless space talk.
10. Because I have a soft spot for you and (like my friend said),have made yourself pretty comfortable in there.
So. Tell me how in the WORLD?! am I suppose to forget you? It's remotely impossible. It's mission impossible.
Sincerely (still) yours,
Beverly
By the way, it's 1258 words in total. The email.
what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 9:47 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words
0 people in the crowd heard my words
